


2 Dumb Male Lesbians Partake In A Maternal Disaster

by RoboticHeren



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Cute Kids, Gay disaster, M/M, Parenthood
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-14
Updated: 2019-10-14
Packaged: 2020-12-16 10:15:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21034613
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RoboticHeren/pseuds/RoboticHeren
Summary: Karkat comes home to a big surprise. The time old story of ironic dumbassery.





	2 Dumb Male Lesbians Partake In A Maternal Disaster

Your name is Karkat Vantas and you have just finished your leisurely stroll for the year. One full span of 8 hours has been spent on the outside of your hive. With it, you have gathered a plethora of new experiences and ideas which you are prepared to complain the ever loving shit about when you, at last, are reunited with your definitely non romantic partner Dave strider. Well at least you were, until you opened the door to your hive.

Time stands still. Ok not literally, but the God of it looks pretty much like a solid statue of nerves.

He is lightly perched on the sofa as if lava has spontaneously erupted from It's crevices. His body is tense and his face is shifting between an expression of pain and panic. He jumped as you entered, not unlike how he did before your many years of living in the vicinity of one another as non romantic bros of a cool close nature, indefinable by any quadrant. He is also completely bereft of eyewear.

He doesn't seem pleased to see you. In fact he looks utterly terrified of your presence. It's as if he had no clue you were coming back to the place you live. 

It kinda hurts a little to think that. The self loathing part of your think pan is having a blast right now, so much of a ball that you are now over 100% convinced that he's going to ask you to leave. You've definitely overstayed your welcome here, too much closeness, too many invasions of privacy. It's quite frankly a miracle you haven't been kicked out before. He must have been a saint to have put up with you for so long. But then again fuck him for doing that to your useless self, how very dare he think of taking you from the place you both agreed simultaneously to stay in by complete coincidence. Does he think he's better than you because of his stupid comics and stupid smile and how he's completely out of your league in every metric of measurement. God you think you understand a few of the thousands of reasons why he might hate you right now. And to be honest you are already making your case even more clear with this thought process, since it all happening in your head... 

You've been staring at him for way too long, Dave speaks. 

DAVE: heyyyyyy karkat   
DAVE: hows it going   
DAVE: had a fun time on your yearly outing to the great unknowns of outside our house-hive living space   
DAVE: find any new butt to rave over   
DAVE: find that butt-erful billboard i told you about   
DAVE: find anything that may be annoying and or incredibly negative which may or may not have to do with butts   
DAVE: yeah thats what im thinking on right now the butt course   
DAVE: nothing new or unexplained to add in any way which would effect our immediate lives   
DAVE: just thinking about those wigglers- i mean wiggling cheeks   
DAVE: just um   
DAVE: yeah   
DAVE: could you stop being quiet   
DAVE: karkat   
DAVE: karkat?" 

Wow, ok. That came out way faster than you expected. You're very used to his absurdly long mumbled monologues of nonsense, but he only hits the fast forward button when he's on orbital levels of nervous. That particular pile of text just hit you with twice the speed of an imperial war ship in hyperdrive.

Needless to say there is a slight chance something is definitely up. Immediately the switch in your think pan flips from self loathing to God of compassion. You give your best 'I'm genuinely concerned for your well being' face as you say.

KARKAT: DAVE...   
KARKAT: WHAT THE EVER LOVING FUCK IS WRONG? 

DAVE: nothing in the history of everything is wrong ever times infinity   
DAVE: which i know very well cause times my thing   
DAVE: so i can say its more times times infinity supreme   
DAVE: amazing how we got all this time to think of things which do not have anything to do with the nothing which is wrong   
DAVE: we could rap a thousand verses in the next four hundred and twenty minutes about all of them   
DAVE: ill just grub   
DAVE: fuck i mean grab my turn tables   
DAVE: baby you can go first   
DAVE: i mean MAYBE maybe you can go first 

You say nothing.

DAVE: here look ill start- 

KARKAT: DAVE, PLEASE, STOP.   
KARKAT: IT'S ACTUALLY HORRIFYING TO SEE YOU LIKE THIS.   
KARKAT: WHAT HAPPENED?   
KARKAT: WHY AREN'T YOU WEARING THOSE STUPID GLASSES YOU LOVE?   
KARKAT: HAVE ONE OF OUR FRIENDS GOTTEN KILLED?   
KARKAT: DID YOU HAVE ANOTHER NIGHTMARE?   
KARKAT: IS IT   
KARKAT: IS IT ME? 

Please let it be you, it would explain so much.

DAVE: no   
DAVE: fuck   
DAVE: god   
DAVE: nothing about you is wrong   
DAVE: you are incredibly amazing and patient   
DAVE: especially with the pile of shit ive just thrown at you   
DAVE: actually on the subject of you   
DAVE: could you lower you voice a few decibels?   
DAVE: nothing big   
DAVE: or just face a direction which isnt the stairs or the direction of up?   
DAVE: that could work 

Wait, is he cheating on you?

Wait, you're not even dating, how would this be wrong. Surely what you have is an emotional bond which cannot be broken by whatever Dave does in his free time. When you're absent. And apart. Yeah. That should be fine for you right.

KARKAT: OH MY FUCKS, YOUR PANICKING *AND* YOUR TELLING ME TO CALM DOWN.   
KARKAT: THIS IS REALLY SERIOUS. 

DAVE: ok no its not that serious   
DAVE: its just   
DAVE: its just   
DAVE: look its really hard to explain and i dont know how your going to react 

Oh you're God, he's cheating on you!

KARKAT: SO IT IS ABOUT ME! 

What did you do wrong.

DAVE: ok no stop this i just want you to not be mad   
DAVE: i mean i know thats your favourite emotion but i-   
DAVE: actually being mad is a good thing i dont know what im thinking   
DAVE: i just   
DAVE: god its really weird   
DAVE: the thing i did not do at all   
DAVE: which you may or may not be mad about   
DAVE: which i may or may not want 

Ok time to pause your downwards spiral again, he really need to get the fuck on with it.

KARKAT: DAVE, TELL ME RIGHT NOW. OR I'M GOING TO GO UPSTAIRS AND SCREAM AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS.   
KARKAT: SINCE OF COURSE, THERE IS NOTHING UP THERE THAT IS SOUND SENSITIVE THAT I SHOULD KNOW ABOUT. 

DAVE: fuck ok   
DAVE: just dont judge me too hard on this when i say it 

KARKAT: SAY WHAT?   
KARKAT: I'M COMPLETELY IN THE DARK   
KARKAT: MY WHOLE WORLD IS A MAZE, AND I HAVE NO CLUE WHERE THE EXIT IS. BECAUSE *SOMEONE* IS HOGGING THE FLASH LIGHT AND SPIRALLING OFF ON EVERY TANGENT AND DEAD END HE CAN FIND. 

DAVE: ok ok   
DAVE: ill just come on out again   
DAVE: in a different way that is somehow equal levels of gay without the having hots for dudes involved   
DAVE: just got to pull off that bandaid as i walk out the closet while i let the cat out the bag   
DAVE: just got to speak the words any time from 

KARKAT: DAVE! 

DAVE: i accidentally adopted a child 

KARKAT: WHAT!? 

DAVE: shh   
DAVE: i didn't say the best-worst part   
DAVE: i accidentally adopted a child   
DAVE: …   
DAVE: twice 

You stare blankly at him. He's pinning up a dumb nervous flash of teeth which you think is an attempt at a smile waving his hands in a sort of jazz number. You can see he is staring at you with manicly wide ocular spheres, which usually would be obscured from view. 

A strange broken laugh rises out of you in sharp erratic bursts as you begin frantically looking round the room for the camera. It has to be somewhere. Not even Dirk, Dave's slightly more unhinged and morally grey human counterpart, would have the gall to go through with such mad actions. Is it in the corner? no not there. maybe over in the ceiling fixture- no. maybe the sofa he was propped on? 

You're tearing through the cushions as Dave talks more about how you should "probably stop" and "holy shit we are literally losing the only piece of furniture we use" in more words than are ever necessary when a thought rises to back of your head.

Is it on him?

DAVE: wait karkat n 

You fucking pounce on him. He's too shocked to speak as you tackle him to the floor. Your claws grasp at every crevice of fabric they can find, ruffling through several items on his person. It may be slightly inappropriate that you think about how this is the most physical contact you've had in a long time. But that would be incredibly creepy if you went any further with this train of thought, so you don't. But God is he laughing as you do it, at least you've solved the non mystery of whether he's ticklish. It's kinda adorable. Wait. Fuck you need to stay focused.

You continue to pull everything that remotely counts as an item out of his possession. Loose change and house keys which really surprise you and dick shaped paraphernalia which does not. After your spontaneous and frantic search has concluded, you find an item which feels approximately the right size... It's a rock…

No. 

Nothing.

He isn't lying, this isn't a joke. You step away from him to just deal with that.

A million questions start to fly through your pan, each one more expressive, complex and accusatory than the last. All of them can be summarised by the one word you eventually use.

KARKAT: HOW?! 

DAVE: would you believe i did it for the irony? 

Of course you would, but you're in too much shock to properly convey this to him. Instead you decide to be a broken record as you repeat, somehow with more dumbfounded energy then you had before, the word.

KARKAT: HOW!???? 

He tenses up.

DAVE: oh boy its a bit of a dozey 

This is not a good start.

DAVE: well you know how you went out a year ago and asked me about what an orphanage was

KARKAT: I REMEMBER.   
KARKAT: I ALSO REMEMBER HOW MUCH YOU MADE FUN OF ME, FOR NOT KNOWING ABOUT IT.   
KARKAT: THEN YOU WENT ON A TANGENT, OF HOW EVERYONE EXCEPT JANE IS AN ORPHAN AND HOW MESSED UP THAT IS. 

DAVE: yeah then i asked why you wanted to know and you said you saw one on your trip out yonder   
DAVE: then we talked about how i was confused by happy parents   
DAVE: and we got into those feels and then you called it a night 

KARKAT: RIGHT? 

DAVE: ok so this is when i decided to look up the place you mentioned   
DAVE: cause i was kinda curious how that system even works   
DAVE: you know given how we all just fell from meteors and got picked up by strangers   
DAVE: not the strongest base to build off in a new world   
DAVE: so i look it up   
DAVE: and i find out its surprisingly easy to adopt a child   
DAVE: but theres this stupidly long waiting list for it   
DAVE: like 50 online pages in tiny fonts   
DAVE: and i realise oh adoption is probably how most trolls are raised on earth C   
DAVE: so its basically a long convoluted grub giving system   
DAVE: so i look at the wie kiddies to confirm my theory   
DAVE: and its just a wall of adorableness from every picture of grubs and also BABIES?   
DAVE: i got a cavity from all that sweetness   
DAVE: but i couldnt look away   
DAVE: all their little legs and cute smiles and stuff way too much for poor me   
DAVE: it was like i was back in the ectolab with you being smothered by small children   
DAVE: dying and reviving on the spot thousands of times from cuteness overload   
DAVE: then this idea just hit me in the back of the head like a bag of poor life choices   
DAVE: wouldnt it be absolutely hilarious if i put a request in for one   
DAVE: in my name   
DAVE: and yours   
DAVE: and then gave our address   
DAVE: ha ha ha 

God damn it Dave!

KARKAT: WHAT LOBOTOMIZED STATE OF BEING WERE YOU IN TO THINK TO THINK THAT WOULD BE ANYTHING CLOSE TO "FUNNY"? 

DAVE: well i was calculating the unmatched ironic levels this would come to   
DAVE: then it sort of spiralled overboard   
DAVE: my sense of reason went blank and before i knew it   
DAVE: bam   
DAVE: right there on on the list   
DAVE: dave and karkat   
DAVE: you probably had to be there to really get it 

KARKAT: GREAT, JUST GREAT. ANOTHER INCIDENT TO ADD TO THE MANY IN THE CONGLOMERATION OF STRIDERIAN BULLSHIT.   
KARKAT: HERE I WAS WORRIED THAT YOU WERE FINALLY CURED OF THE NEED TO DO THE MOST ASININE THING UNDER THE GUISE OF " IRONY".   
KARKAT: WELL TURNS OUT YOU WERE JUST SAVING YOUR READY ORDER ORPHAN FOR A RAINY DAY.  
KARKAT: WHAT A FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC SURPRISE.   
KARKAT: BUT YOU KNOW WHAT REALLY GETS ME. ASIDE FROM YOUR WEIRD FIXATION ON INFANTS.   
KARKAT: THE FACT THAT YOU MADE AN INAPPROPRIATE ORDER ONLINE   
KARKAT: AND YOU DIDN'T IMMEDIATELY TAKE IT OFF!!!   
KARKAT: YOU JUST LET IT SIT THERE, FOR A YEAR, AND DIDN'T THINK.   
KARKAT: "HEY I MIGHT NEED TO DO SOMETHING BEFORE I GET A BABY SHIPPED TO ME." 

DAVE: ha you see this is where it gets especially amazing   
DAVE: cause when i saw our names on there   
DAVE: my first thought wasnt that i might need to remove us from the registry   
DAVE: thereby preventing this whole situation from happening   
DAVE: it was actually   
DAVE: hey   
DAVE: how about i put MORE names on this thing   
DAVE: and also give our address   
DAVE: again 

You cup your face in your hands. God. Fucking. Damn it. Dave. 

KARKAT: DAVE, THIS IS A NEW LOW. EVEN FOR YOU. 

DAVE: youre not wrong   
DAVE: but in my defence   
DAVE: i had a lot of aj that night   
DAVE: my sugar addled brain couldnt handle not fucking me over in some way   
DAVE: actually i shouldnt say that   
DAVE: aj is a force of pure good   
DAVE: im just a complete disaster 

KARKAT: I WOULD USUAL COUNTER THAT BY SAYING WE BOTH ARE.   
KARKAT: BUT HONESTLY YOU'VE REALLY STOLEN THE SHOW. 

DAVE: yeah well i did eventually get around to taking our names off the list the next day   
DAVE: i thought i got all those lil fuckers but apparently two slipped under the rug   
DAVE: and i didnt know so when i thought i had finished   
DAVE: i patted myself on the back like a chump and turned my back on the orphanage   
DAVE: never again will i make such a rookie mistake 

KARKAT: DAVE, YOU KNOW THIS WHOLE SEQUENCE OF EVENTS REFLECTS POORLY ON BOTH YOU AND THE INSTITUTIONS WHICH LET YOU DO THIS.   
KARKAT: I MEAN HOW THE FUCK DID *ANYONE* THINK TWO BARELY ADULTS COULD POSSIBLY RAISE CHILDREN.   
KARKAT: WAIT, ON THAT NOTE, DID THEY JUST LEAVE THE BABIES ON OUR DOORSTEP AND HOPE THAT OUR PARENTING SKILLS WERE UP TO PAR ENOUGH TO *NOT* ACCIDENTALLY KILL THEM. 

DAVE: well im pretty sure theres some vetting process out there   
DAVE: but i mean they probably threw that out the window the second they saw two gs pop a request in   
DAVE: like oh God it's the gods and they want some of OUR babies   
DAVE: better just sack sharon were all going to get a raise cause that's how economy works   
DAVE: also fuck Sharon and her ethical policies   
DAVE: all they did was send this really prissy upright lady round to hound me on the basics of raising two different species of kid   
DAVE: i tried telling her that there had been a mistake but apparently that is textbook child gettin jitters   
DAVE: so she just kept on reassuring me and i couldnt say no once   
DAVE: and then she got to the hounding   
DAVE: god its drilled in to me   
DAVE: she gave me all these fucking lists 

Dave quickly flash steps out of your sight, he's gone for a split second before reappearing with two large bundles of light green paper in both hands. He shoves one of the piles beneath his left armpit and tentatively pulls out a single sheet to read from. He reads it, mockingly, in a weird accent. 

DAVE: 1. When holding the human, gently place one arm on the back and the other by the nape of their neck for support   
DAVE: 2. Keep child in lying down or upright positions always allowing them room to move and extend   
DAVE: 3. Do not use excessive force when handling their limbs for risk of dislocation 

KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK?! 

DAVE: yeah i know i said the exact same thing   
DAVE: there was so much fucking nightmare fuel she gave me   
DAVE: and then we got to the grub instructions and   
DAVE: well   
DAVE: lets just say you can not rag on my whole species for being fragile EVER again 

He gestures you to pick one of the notes in his left hand in a similar way John performs one of his shitty card tricks. You grab one at random and lightly breeze through the phrase "self impaled" before deciding against going any further. 

DAVE: yeah exactly   
DAVE: thats the exact face i was pulling 

You lightly scowl at him for showing you this, and for good measure, over this entire situation. There are so many illogical branches in his story, so many semi lies and just dumb conclusions. But for some reason you believe him. Every single account of the story, as bizarre as it sounds, lines up in the fucked up sense that all of reality tends to do so. After all this shock, hatred and confusion all you're left with is one question. 

KARKAT: SO WHAT DO WE DO NOW? 

DAVE: uhhh 

KARKAT: DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT.   
KARKAT: WE'VE THOROUGHLY ESTABLISHED THAT YOU'RE INCOMPETENCE LED TO THIS MESS.   
KARKAT: I'M JUST FOLLOWING THE LOGICAL CONCLUSION.   
KARKAT: WHAT DO WE DO ABOUT IT?   
KARKAT: IS THERE A PHONE LINE?   
KARKAT: AN EMERGENCY ABORT ADOPTION CLAUSE?   
KARKAT: SURELY YOU'VE HAD THE SPACE, IN YOUR MINISCULE MONKEY BRAIN, TO HAVE A SINGLE THOUGHT ABOUT THIS. 

DAVE: uhhhh   
DAVE: ok not really   
DAVE: but that mostly cause theres this really fucking big problem 

KARKAT: WHAT NOW?   
KARKAT: YOU DECIDED TO CLONE FIVE HUNDRED BARK BEASTS, JUST TO ADD TO THE PILE OF PATERNAL RESPONSIBILITY.   
KARKAT: MAYBE YOU HAVE A SECOND ORPHANAGE YOU'VE BEEN RUNNING BEHIND MY BACK, JUST FOR THIS ONE GLORIOUS MOMENT.   
KARKAT: GO ON.   
KARKAT: I CAN TAKE IT.   
KARKAT: JUST TELL ME, ON WHAT ASTRONOMICAL LEVEL WE ARE FUCKED SO I CAN FIND THE APPROPRIATE AMOUNT OF PISSED I CAN BE FOR THIS SITUATION 

DAVE: well its probably better if you see it   
DAVE: idk if i can intricately explain everything myself 

You give him the most passive aggressive stares you can muster, cocking one eyebrow upwards, teeth flared. He shrinks slightly from the blast. Good. 

KARKAT: SURE. WHY. NOT. 

You gently walk up the stairs, hands braced around the banister to lighten your steps. Dave does a similar action, but in a way that darkly reminds you he's too adept in pretending to go unnoticed. He would have floated effortlessly up, if he didn't already realise the mood you were in, and how easy it would be for one shout to slip out. At the top of the staircase you turn a corner to one of the spare rooms, it's door is slightly ajar. 

Dave gestures and you peak inside. 

The room has a low light level which your sure would be near impossible for Dave to see. Large bulging paper bags litter the room, baby food and various plastic blocks peak out of them. At the centre of it all is a mini bed like stucture. Two dark lumps lie peacefully intertwined in the newly built device. 

You lean in closer to get a better look. One is a human infant, a similar size to all the ones you've seen before. Their hair is a platinum blonde and their head is covered by a pair of Dave's glasses which they appear to have a locked grip on. The other figure is a grub, their colour evident as your own shade, candy red. Their horns are straight and curved in a strange way; it almost looks like a pair of sickles. One, still sleeping, croaks a small shrill giggle which sends the other to gurgle in response. 

You need to look away, to calm yourself, to think logically about the situation. But you can't move your gander bulbs and the calm doesn't come, your pusher is restless as it assaults your hearing. Nothing makes sense, you want to say something but you realise the instant you try that your hands are clamped tightly around your mouth. You don't know if it's the tiredness or the lengthy staring, but red begins to tint your vision, seeping liquid down your cheeks. 

You look back to Dave, red eyes visibly damp. He's giving you a sympathetic look. As if to say, I know, I feel it too. The world seems to grow quiet save for the soft breathing echoing in the distance. And just like that the questions that filled your head vanish and you can't help but live in the soft moment for what feels like an endless night. 

You walk back down silently and shaking, trying your damned hardest to keep your balance. You reach the end and stumble slightly, as you find stable ground in the form of your half shredded couch. You stare blankly at the dead tv screen. 

You know exactly what the problem is. 

KARKAT: GOD. FUCKING. DAMN IT.   


**Author's Note:**

> I don't know what to say about this other than I'm sorry and your welcome.


End file.
